Diamond in the Rough
by Hawki
Summary: DCEU Oneshot: Being a vigilante had led Helena to some...interesting situations. But nothing as insane as this.


_A/N_

_So there's been some reports, possibly legit, as to what the plot of _Birds of Prey _(the movie) will entail. Having read them, I found myself asking "seriously?!" Thing is, yes, I actually believe them. In part because other reports have stated that WB execs are a mite concerned about the movie in test screenings, which has led me to ask whether we're going to have a _Suicide Squad _debacle all over again._

_Anyway, it did get me to drabble this up, but consider yourself warned, of spoilers, and certain...questionable plot elements._

_Or less than questionable, depending on your preference I guess. 0_0_

* * *

**Diamond in the Rough**

"Huh," said Helena, as she looked down at the little girl in front of her. "Guess that gives meaning to the phrase diamond in the rough."

"Diamond in the rough?" The girl's eyes were already wide, but they widened further as the light of realization shone from behind them. "Oh, right! Diamond in the rough! That's from _Aladdin_!"

_Christ kid, do you need to shout all the time?_

"I watched _Aladdin _once. I wanted to be Jasmine. But I was told I couldn't be Jasmine, because Jasmine wasn't fat like I was."

"Really," Helena murmured, watching the squirt tuck into yet another chocolate bar. "Can't imagine why."

The girl kept eatin. "Didn't matter. My favourite Disney princess is Pocahontas."

Helena smirked. "Not Mulan?"

"No. Why?"

"Wild guess." She collapsed back into the sofa and popped a cold one. Wondering how she'd got herself into this, and whether it was even worth it. If she handed in the squirt to Black Mask right now, not only would she walk away with a bag full of money, but also her life as well. If seven years in Gotham City had taught her anything, it was that there were some people you didn't' mess with. Batman had been one of them. Black Mask was another. Now, with the Bat gone, and the masked maniac seeking to expand his territory…well, it didn't leave too much room for a bird to fly.

"Well, perimeter's secure."

She looked up from the couch and saw Dinah enter the room. Dinah, for her part, didn't look at her. Instead, she looked at their ward. Their protégé. The little lost lamb that the Birds of Prey had decided to look after for reasons that God only knew.

"Heya squirt."

And if life had taught Helena Bertinelli anything, it was that when God knew reasons, God didn't reveal them. Fucker.

"My name isn't squirt," said the girl, even as she continued to eat the chocolate bar. "It's Cassandra."

"Fascinating." She finally looked at Helena who tossed Dinah a cold one. "So? How's the nest?"

"Eh, perimeter's secure. Had to break a spotter's neck, but I don't think he got word out."

"You don't think?"

"Well, soon as I saw him I ruptured his ear drums, then I ruptured his larynx, so between not being able to hear and not being able to scream? Yeah, pretty sure."

"Oh."

"Also, again, broken neck."

"That's not very nice," Cassandra whispered.

Dinah glared at her, and Helena smirked. "And Harley? What's our new birdie up to?"

"Oh, she's talking to the fourth wall."

Helena spat some beer out. "The _what_?"

"Oh yeah, she's on the floor below. She counted three walls, then started talking to the fourth wall before drawing out her mallet and hitting it."

"So…she's trying to break the fourth wall?"

"If you're reading this, you obviously didn't read the author's note!" came a voice from downstairs.

"Yep. Pretty much," Dinah said.

Helena took a sip of her beer, wondering why their newest birdie was going on about author's note. Like, what, was this meant to be a world where weirdos wrote cringey fanfic on long train rides home after returning from work?

"So anyway," Dinah said. She took a seat opposite Helena. "I'd ask you what the plan is, but…"

"But?"

"Well, usually our plans have involved busting up small-time crooks."

"So?"

"So Black Mask isn't small time. And besides, you're the one who's got former criminal connections."

Helena scowled.

"Hey, just saying. You're the one processing daddy issues, not me."

Helena gave her the finger. The only reason she didn't give her lip was that the Birds' so-called Black Canary had a point. She'd spent most of her life with a silver spoon in her mouth, listening to Franco Bertinelli going on about everything ranging to poor cooking, to protection money, to Batman. Towards the end of her relationship with him, he'd talked about Batman quite a bit, and it didn't take her long to realize that daddy dearest was actually afraid. That one night, the Batman would come for him, and even in the best case scenario, his trousers would be a shade of brown.

So it was at that point that she'd gone her own way. She'd taken a crossbow, 'accidentally' leaked some of her father's files onto the Internet, and begun life as a vigilante. Tempting as it had been to put a bolt through her father's heart herself, she'd taken more satisfaction in seeing her father be taken in by the GCPD after confessing, and rambling on about bats, ropes, and rooftops. Daddy had broken her arm when she was three, and now, she'd broken his life. Seven years of vigilante work, and teaming up with Dinah Lance had been all the confirmation she needed that life on the streets beat life in the house.

But that was before Cassandra Cain popped up with a story so insane that maybe this _was _a world where the fourth wall existed. Like, either fanfic, or a movie in a series of movies with people who had no idea what the hell they were doing and were spit balling at this point. One of those things.

"Helena?"

She sipped some more beer. She wanted to shoot something. Or rather, some_one_. That usually put her in a good mood.

"Helena."

Course there was that time in Star City, when an arrow had hit her instead, but, well, best not to think about that.

"Helena!"

"What?!" she snapped. She looked at Dinah, who was staring at her through puffs of smoke.

"The plan."

"Oh right. The plan."

"Yeah, the plan. Like how we're supposed to…" She looked at Cassandra, who was just standing there. Eating even more chocolate.

_Where the fuck did you get all that chocolate from anyway?_

"Seriously kid, why's Black Mask even after you?"

Helena chuckled and Dinah glared at her. "_What_?"

Helena gestured to Cassandra. "Go on kid, tell her."

"But I told you," Cassandra protested.

Helena leant over the chair and picked up her crossbow. "Indulge me."

"Oh. Okay." Cassandra looked and sounded scared, but was apparently not so scared that she couldn't finish off her chocolate and looked at Dinah.

"Want more?" the Black Canary murmured.

Cassandra took a breath. "I'm Cassandra Cain. I used to work for Black Mask. But Black Mask had a diamond. And I-"

"Stole it?" Dinah asked.

She shook her head. "Swallowed it."

Dinah looked at Helena. Helena opened up a second can of beer.

"Black Mask is after me," Cassandra continued. "Because the diamond's got a data chip inside it, and he can't let anyone see it. Because if they do, his whole reputation could be ruined."

"Huh. Well colour me intrigued kid, I love ruining peoples' reputations," Dinah said. She puffed some more smoke, this time going into Cassandra's face. As the kid shooed it away, Dinah said, "so go on. Tell me. What's it got on it?"

"A picture," Cassandra said.

"Of what? Incriminating evidence?"

"Um, I dunno. But I do know that the picture is of his penis."

Dinah stared at him. Helena smirked.

"Hack!" Harley yelled from down below.

"His…penis," Dinah said blankly.

Cassandra shrugged. "Well, I don't know for sure. But he said it was a dick pic, and I think dick is another name for a man's penis…"

"Yeah, it is." Dinah looked at Helena. "Huntress here sometimes fantasizes about one of those being in her."

Helena gave her the finger.

"So he's after me," said Cassandra. "Because if the dick pic gets out, and everyone sees how small it is, then…"

Dinah puffed out some smoke and leant back in her chair. "Well fuck me," she whispered.

"Who?" Asked Helena. "Black Mask?"

"All this over a dick pic."

Cassandra nodded and looked around. "Any more chocolate?"

Dinah looked at Helena. "We're risking our lives to save little fat girl-"

"I'm not fat!"

"…for swallowing a diamond that has a picture of a guy's dick."

Cassandra lowered her gaze. "It looked like candy," he whispered. "Mister Zsasz always gave me candy."

Helena heard Harley yell something as she smashed the fourth wall. Something about drugs, or paedophilia, or LGBTQIA plus representation. Thing was, she was feeling rather drunk right now. Though if life was but a script, then that had to do with nothing compared to how much alcohol God himself must have consumed.

"So," Dinah asked. "Plan?"

"Plan?"

"Yeah, plan. Black Mask is after the girl, and the girl's with us. So, yeah. Plan."

"Oh, that's easy," Helena said. "We late for little Cassie here to just crap it out, then we hand it back. Hell, might even get some cash for it."

Dinah blinked.

"What? You don't like it?"

"Oh, no, I like it. Just sounds a bit easy don't you think?"

Helena shrugged. "Why do you think I've been eating fatty to continue eating chocolate?"

"Oi!" Cassandra said, even as she tucked into her fourth chocolate bar.

"She keeps eating, she starts crapping, we get our diamond, and Black Mask gets his dick pic." She sipped some beer. "Any questions?"

"Yeah," yelled Harley from below. "When's the next Shazam movie coming out? Because that was pretty good actually."

Dinah stared. Helena drunk some more beer. Cassandra kept tucking into chocolate.

"Waiting game, Dinah," Helena said. "Waiting game."

She leant back in her chair. Listening to Harley go on about the year 1984 and wondrous women. Doing that, and thinking of a Green Arrow movie for some reason.

Which totally wasn't connected at all to something that may or may not have gone down in Star City. Nup. Not at all.

"Totally is!" Harley yelled.

Helena sipped some more beer. Wondering about life, the universe, and everything.

Also wondering if Cassandra Cain would like _Aladdin 2019 _as much as the original, because if so, then they had some serious shit to sort out.


End file.
